Predictions for Winter Festival 2012


Looking forward to Winter Festival kicking off tomorrow? Me too. Can’t wait. 

Here are a few predictions for the upcoming 10-day community celebration. Let the fun begin … 

– Someone somewhere will find a reason to complain about the temporary ice rink installed in the middle of town because it takes over public space, competes with the Ice Arena in the Gardens and blah blah blah … 

- One of the queenly Wakatipu lads in the Drag Race will get injured but still go to Pub on Wharf afterwards for a pint – against medical advice. 

- My money’s on Lakes Leisure’s JD Marrable inflicting or suffering the injury – or both. 

- Festival director Simon Green will caution the 22 men of Drag Race 2012 prior that it’s a family show and to keep it clean but someone will still do something questionable.

-My money’s on Marrable. 

- Local personal trainer, marketer and Mountain Scene ‘Mr Inappropriate’ columnist Mark Wilson will, at some point, get semi or completely nude. 

-Scoop and myself will get unceremoniously ejected from some function that we haven’t actually been invited to. 

- Yeah, right. 

-Someone in the audience at either 7 Days or the Comedy Gala will catch the attention of one of the comedians who will verbally annihilate them. 

-Someone somewhere will find a reason to complain about festival being too commercial now and losing touch with its community roots and blah blah blah … 

-Your mate’s retelling of super-funny bits from the Flight of the Conchords show won’t be quite as good as if you’d actually been there. 

-More likely, it’ll make the fact you missed out on a ticket suck even more. 

-People who are normally mild-mannered and previously thought they were squeamish about any form of violence will, by about fight three of the Thriller in the Chiller charity boxing night, be baying for blood like a pack of wild animals. 

-Queenstown will collectively shrug its shoulders at the arrival of a VIP from Auckland despite the fact the person is a massive star from a) Shortland Street b) a reality TV show or c) a news programme. 

-Jo Holley will be mistaken for a VIP from Auckland. 

-Sally Ridge will be mistaken for a VIP from Auckland. 

-A VIP from Auckland will be mistaken for a VIP from Auckland. 

-A Prime Minister, for the first time in ages, will not officially open festival – he’ll be too busy readying chunks of important Kiwi businesses for sale. 

-Respectable gentlemen of Queenstown like NZSki chief executive James ‘Evanka Pleasantly Surprised Codpiece’ Coddington and AJ Hacket Bungy boss Dave ‘Davina Bulgingpants’ Mitchell will no doubt squeal with delight at news just in that the Hush girls – who are awesome and doing the Drag Race make-up – will be using new American product range Tigi on them. 


-Someone somewhere will think ‘Oh heck, I must get my jazz night ticket before that great locals event sells out’. 

- And then they’ll realise they needn’t have worried because there isn’t one this year. 

-At least one of the Drag Race heats will put one of the Thriller boxing bouts to shame. 

-My money’s on that heat involving either Marrable or Richie ‘Pamela Yankabollockoff’ Heap – or both. 

-Drag Race contestants – battered, bloodied, muddied and in shredded leggings after the race – may take to the ice rink and little kids just trying to have fun will cower in fear at the sight of these monsters. 

– Leanne Malcolm will be mistaken for a VIP from Auck­land (she’s actually a resident and VIP from Queenstown). 

-Terry Serepisos will be mistaken for a VIP from Auckland (he’s actually a bankrupt from Wellington … ah well, shout the poor bloke a drink if you see him). 

– It’ll be so cold downtown on opening night and at Mardi Gras on the last night that you won’t care a toss who is supplying the mulled wine and whether it’s a community fundraiser or not. 

– Green will be so prom-inent at all events from start to finish for 10 days straight that the only explanation is there are two of him.