Parting Shot: Join the queue for Crommers Bombers


It’s time, people. Given the inaction, ineffectiveness or ineptitude of successive councils, agencies or anyone else in a position of authority to deal with traffic, we the people must do the hard work ourselves.

I’ve hatched a series of action plans which, if followed, will easily solve the town’s gridlock and bring back all those tourists who prefer mountains to staring at the number plate of the car in front.

It’s going to be hard and, I’m afraid, there are going to be casualties. But it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

I hope you’re prepared to risk injury or even the greatest sacrifice of all - moving to Invercargill - for the Greater Good.

So let’s join hands, fellow vigilantes, and make Queenstown great again!

Action one: Move Queenstown to Cromwell

I’ve been to Cromwell a number of times and I can’t remember ever having a problem with traffic. It’s got most of the things we already have, right? Water, mountains, vineyards. And they’ve got Highlands.

It’s time to move to the other side of the gorge. We’d be known as the Crommers Bombers. We’ll go 1000 people at a time, with each “crop” decided by ballot. Businesses: If half of your staff are chosen then you’ve got to up sticks.

There’ll be rates relief for those who voluntarily go and a “pass for life” on a new action ride down the town’s Big Fruit.

Action two: Turn BP roundabout into a religious hub

Right. Because you Godless lot have turned your back on the Almighty, I reckon the only way we’re going to get people to avoid this most clogged of intersections is to make it a Special Religious Area. 

Instead of window washers squirting suds on your windscreen, we’ll get Jehovah’s Witnesses at the intersection to distribute the Word of the Lord through your open window.

American TV evangelists will jump off their private jets at the nearby airport and start herding stragglers to Frankton Beach for a mass baptism (and cash collection).

Action three: Toll the highways

Put a $20 toll booth on all routes in and out of Queenstown (think of the economic boost to your new home town of Cromwell!).

Each vehicle is then issued with an electronic tag with a GPS tracker. At the entrance to Queenstown your tag is put through a machine - and if you haven’t crossed the centre line or broken the speed limit you get your entire $20 back!

Good drivers will be blessed by residents of the Special Religious Area and sent on their way.

What? You don’t like those ideas?

Well, perhaps there’s an alternative. You might ask the people standing in this year’s local body elections how they plan to fix Queenstown’s transport issues and then vote accordingly.