Games you didn’t hear about

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That man Bill

Visiting Deputy Prime Minister Bill English (top, left), in Queenstown to officially open the 2013 Winter Games, told the teams at the ceremony: “You guys are going to have a great time while you’re here, believe me – it’s the only part of my vast Clutha-Southland electorate that’s actually any fun.

“To put it in terms you lot will understand, the rest of the area I’m MP for is as dull as cross-country ski racing. Queenstown is basically the freeski slopestyle of my electorate.”

White goes off

In a stunning display at last week’s Winter Games, visiting American snowboarding sensation Shaun White (above, right) pulled off the first-ever switch-flip quattro a-klap frontside backside airside 720.

The ground-breaking move was thrown down during the snowboard halfpipe World Cup.

Winter Games chief executive Arthur Klap said it was a hell of a trick – and it would’ve been even more amazing if people had actually understood what it was.

Asked by local newspaper Mounting Scream to explain the move, a pumped White said: “Dude, I don’t do no print interviews!”

The Mills factor

England’s most famous divorcee and visiting adaptive ski competitor Heather Mills arrived in Queenstown – looking stunning despite 36 hours in planes en route.

“It’s been a hard day’s flight,” the ex-wife of Beatle Sir Paul McCartney told frenzied media waiting for her at airport arrivals.

Asked how her training was going and what her immediate plans were, Mills pouted: “I’ve been working like a dog. Like I said, it’s been a hard day’s flight – and I’ll be sleeping like a log.”

Mills, dressed casually in jeans and a lime-green puffer, was later seen ordering a cappuccino from the airport’s Patagonia stand before heading off in what appeared to be a taxi. It’s unknown if she ate the free biscuit.

A Patagonia spokesman said the Mills interaction was a highlight: “She paid what she owed and then said thanks – the staff are frothing about it.”

Asked later in one probing interview by local newspaper Mounting Scream what she thought of Queenstown, the glamorous 45-year-old, dressed in ski pants and a woolly jumper, replied: “That question is dumb as shit.”

Games multiplier

The Winter Games 2013 wider economic benefit to the region from something called the ‘multiplier effect’ has been calculated in the ka-trillions.

Asked if the ‘multiplier effect’ was a new freeski move, Winter Games chairman Sir Eion Edgar (top, right) clarified that it was not: “A multiplier effect is basically a very nebulous way of measuring economic benefit from something. It’s almost impossible to define but a very useful tool that you can easily hype when talking to sponsors.”

Sir Eion added: “And when you add the Games multiplier effect with the multiplier effects associated with Otago winning the Ranfurly Shield and the live cross to Queenstown’s rail jam during Lotto last Saturday night, well, you’re getting into the ka-trillions.”

Warning: this content may or may not be complete and utter bollocks