Another week of it in the Wakatipu

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Feeley’s priority

Former Serious Fraud Office boss Adam Feeley says his first priority in his new role as Queenstown Lakes District Council chief executive will be pinning down a good coffee place. 

“I’m looking for a barista that makes it long, strong and black. “It’ll need to be if I’m to stay awake for my new job to be honest – this council stuff is seriously tedious. 

“Before I got this gig, my eyes would glaze over at the thought of local body politics. And I can tell you that now I’m in this council role, nothing’s changed. 

“Don’t get me wrong – it’s great to be out of the big smoke and living in the Wakatipu but this stuff bores the bejesus out of me. I mean, I’ve gone from dealing with multi-million dollar rip-offs perpetrated by some of the meanest and greediest corporate frauds this country’s ever known to having to get my head around snore-inducing reports into sewage outflow quality and rubbish collection data. 

“I may as well have just gone and given myself a lobotomy.” 

Sir Michael’s new nude

Sir Michael Hill’s latest artistic installation is bound to be a talking point during the New Zealand PGA Pro-Am golf tournament next year. 

Wealthy jeweller Hill has erected a nude brass statue of himself with a fitting golf-action theme – it depicts him teeing off. 

The new sculpture, called Bold as Brass, is by famous Ukrainian sculptor Yanka Bollockoff who rendered the finely-detailed work whilst a naked Hill held a post-tee-shot pose all afternoon on the top of the 18th at his The Hills course near Arrowtown. 

“This work is about the purity of golf as a game – nothing but you, your ball and swinging freely in the breeze,” Hill tells Mountain Scene. 

Asked if some people might think it’s a bit weird, Hill replied: “Weird? Are you kidding me – this one’s completely off the hook. 

“And the process itself was an interesting experience, though a bit chilly at times.” 

Bollockoff says while it’s not the first nude replica that she’s done, it is the first golf nude – and it posed plenty of challenges. 

“Accuracy was paramount…we wanted it to be an exact likeness so shrinkage was a factor we had to deal with but we made some estimations there. 

“And full credit to Sir Michael…in the middle of winter it gets damn cold up on the 18th tee – but he stuck it out for hours.” 

Key – where am I?

Embattled Prime Minister John Key has opened up on the Kim Dotcom saga at the unveiling of Sir Michael Hill’s new Wakatipu sculpture park. 

Key, under increasing pressure in Wellington regarding the Dotcom affair, says it’s tough enough remembering what he did and said last week, let alone six months ago during a visit to the Government Communications Security Bureau offices. 

“Take today for instance, I don’t even know where I am. Some guy just puts me on a plane, another guy ushers me into a cab whilst another guy gives me a briefing note about whatever function it is I’m attending and I sort of wing it from there. 

“Though judging by the quality of the pinot and the chicks at this do, I’m guessing we’re somewhere near Queenstown. 

“Anyway, it says here I’m to say this golf tourney and sculpture park are a fantastic showcase of the best of NZ to the rest of the world, and rah-de-rah-de-rah. 

“Though, I must admit, I’m a tad worried about that new sculpture of yourself, Sir Michael. You’re really sticking it out there – it’s pretty weird, even for you mate.”

Oooh ah – it’s Ma’a

Auckland Blues Super 15 rugby team defector Ma’a Nonu says he’ll be leaving the eyeliner behind when he relocates to the southern-based Highlanders franchise this season. 

“I’m good mates with Justin Marshall, who lives in High­landers franchise territory in Queenstown and is from Mataura originally. “We had a good chat about some of the cultural differences down here,” Nonu says. “He told me straight – he goes ‘Ma’a mate … it’s great to hear you’re coming down and all but the eyeliner you wear, you need to knock that bullshit on the head bro’.” 

*Most of this column is a complete fabrication. Ok, actually all of it is.