A week of it in the Wakatipu

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Golf trumps Gillard 

In controversial news, the Queenstown visit by Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard has been overshadowed by a golfing drama. 

Sources confirm Gillard was furious Key decided to work on his short game instead of attending the annual Closer Economic Relations talks while in the Wakatipu last week. 

Gillard: “I knew something wasn’t right at the airport when he greeted me wearing colourful pants, a Callaway cap and golf bag slung over his shoulder. He did give me a hug and say it was great to see me but added he had a lot on – then sped off in a golf buggy. 

“The last I saw he was heading towards Arrowtown singing – badly, I might add – something about The Hills being alive…with the sound of his teeeee shots. 

“In his absence we’ve decided Australia will send 1500 boat people a week to your country for relocation.” 

Asked to comment, Key said: “Look, I see Jules pretty often, but the NZ PGA pro-am is only once a year. I should add I’m ambitious for this country, all boat people and my putting, which is coming along nicely.” 

He’s the caddy man 

In surprise news, Kiwi golfing prodigy Lydia Ko has selected Queenstown’s Regan Pearce as her caddy for this month’s NZ PGA Championship pro-am. 

Justifying her decision, Lydia, 15, says: “He can play rugby, league, cricket, do marketing and – from what I hear – pull off a fairly decent striptease so I figure he can probably caddy to a high level as well. 

“I mean the guy’s basically the SBW of Queenstown.” 

Lydia adds: “Plus he’s ripped – so I’m confident he’ll have no trouble carrying my bag for two days.” 

Marshall laces up 

In startling news, the Wakatipu Premiers rugby team has confirmed a local ex-All Black will get on the paddock this season. 

Queenstown-based Justin Marshall – who served the All Blacks with distinction in 81 Tests and should never have been dropped when he was by Graham Henry – confirms he’ll lace up for the Premiers in 2013: “I only finished playing professionally in 2010 and miss competition – plus I just wanna smash some dudes. 

“You also pine for the camaraderie. 

“For after-match bonding, I’d love nothing more than to get all the boys down to Lone Star for a few cold ones and later form a conga line dancing around the restaurant tables while singing ‘That’s the sound of the men working on the chain gaa-aaang!’.” 

Premiers coach Damian ‘Dippers’ Petre says whenever Marshall wants to turn up for some game time, he’s welcome. 

Asked what role he envisaged Marshall playing, Petre says: “It’s up to Marshy at the end of the day, but personally I’d like to see him calling the plays, scoring the tries, kicking the goals, revving up the team and making the big hits on defence. Basically, all those things Regan Pearce used to do before he quit to become a golf caddy.” 

Big casino plans 

In expansive news, SkyCity Entertainment Group – which now wholly owns Queenstown’s SkyCity casino – plans building a new hotel onsite. 

Asked to elaborate, SkyCity big cheese Nigel Morrison says: “We believe in Queenstown, bigger betting limits and emptying the pockets of any high rollers we can attract. 

“As far as gambling dens go, it’s one of the sites I’m most proud of – I mean it’s not like the Queenstown one is full of South Aucklanders on the breadline tipping benefit cheques into the pokies or Triad gang members laundering drug profits at the blackjack tables.” 

Hoorah for Marmite 

In relieving news, Sanitarium has announced Kiwi breakfast delicacy Marmite will be back on supermarket shelves next month – which is being welcomed in Queenstown. 

Ex-All Black-turned-Wakatipu Premiers part-timer Justin Marshall says: “That’s great – it just wouldn’t feel like rugby season without my Marmite on toast in the morning.” 

Queenstown mayor Vanessa van Uden says: “As the representative for the general hoi polloi down here, I’d just like to say thank f..k for that.” 

Visiting Prime Minster Julia Gillard says: “One day I’d like to share Marmite on toast for breakfast with John Key – if he’s not too busy playing golf.” 

This week’s Parting Shot may or may not be a complete fabrication